View Full Version : No fishing. Taser Christmas warning

12-23-2007, 01:30 PM
Last night I saw something at Maryville Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. This being Christmas I was looking for a little something "extra" for Kathy.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity dar ting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Eli looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Eli, (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He's such a sissy cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a jeans and a sweatshirt, with my glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another, cocktail already consumed. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Eli looking on with his head cocked to one side as if to say, "Go ahead and do it Jim," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck o f it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, gonads nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst" , when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. (How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my 'nad's. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Merry Christmas!

12-23-2007, 02:18 PM
I was tense the whole time reading this post due to the suspense. I do have a question. Were you able to video tape this experience, and if so what is the link to U tube? If there is not a video might we be able to talk you into doing this again? You might check the lost and found at the mall, you won't believe what turns up.
Merry Christmas and thanks for the story.

12-23-2007, 02:24 PM
that's a great story. it is surprising that two batteries could produce that kind of shock. I had a buddy hit me in the thigh with a cattle prod one time, but it wasn't nearly that bad.

12-23-2007, 03:43 PM
O.M.G !!!!!!!! I think I soiled myself from laughing so hard....just thinking that this could be Larry the Cable Guy telling the story and only immagining the rational (and alchohol) the caused this phenominal occurance......gotta tell the truth, going to my Fathers for Christmas Monday and I've printed this out so I can read it to them......thanks for making what has been a miserable week for me into a much more enjoyable one.....:eek:

Merry Christmas and I hope you recover in time to fully enjoy....


12-23-2007, 04:49 PM
It has been 5 minutes since I read this post and I am still spontaneously laughing. My family is now looking over my shoulder as I try to type this. That was a great story.

12-23-2007, 05:32 PM
What a great story I am still crying I laughed so hard. Made my day:smile:

Paula Begley
12-23-2007, 09:58 PM
As Administrator of the LRO Message Board, it gives me great pleasure (at his great pain) to bestow upon jdwindon, the first ever...best/worst Christmas story story.



12-23-2007, 10:22 PM
I am laughing so hard, all I can think to say is "Don't tase me bro." I hope you find "them." I agree with Paula. This was a great story.

12-24-2007, 12:39 AM
"cocktail already consumed. "

I think that phrase may be the key to unlocking the mystery of this story!:biggrin:

Thanks for sharing. I'm really not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. OK, I'm laughing at you. That was funny stuff.


12-24-2007, 11:06 AM
I had a brief moment where I actually considered this an option on a REALLY slow fishing day when neither dries nor nymphs were working but I guess that really wouldn't be sporting. Come to think of it, I'm not sure it's specifically prohibited by park fishing regulations.....but no, no, that's just not right.

On behalf of all of us, thanks for trying this out so we don't have to. I'm just glad you didn't still have your cocktail in hand when you got the jolt - no telling where that would have end up.

Merry Christmas and a Happy Nad Year.;)

tn hound
12-24-2007, 11:28 AM
Look again- those weren't egg patterns in the carpet next to you!

12-24-2007, 08:49 PM
JD, that is indeed a hilarious story! I like the way you twisted it more toward a Christmas story. It was extremely funny the first time I read it, in a forward in an email from my father:


Of course, you should at some point let everyone know this story didn't really happen! :)

Merry Christmas all!

12-26-2007, 09:14 AM
I confess the plagiarism charge is accurate. However I believe that most of us, as fly fishers, have one thing in common. That is, we could believe it because we can SEE OURSELVES actually doing this. Hence we find it humorous.

I hope everyone enjoyed it and it diminished the stress that we can sometimes feel this time of year.

I really thought twice about posting it because I thought I might not get any new fishing partners. After all who would fish with a nut like Taser Jim?!!???

12-26-2007, 10:06 AM
LOL...That was a great story. Very funny stuff!

12-26-2007, 06:10 PM
I don't care who you are.....that thar's funny!!!!!!!


12-26-2007, 11:02 PM
I confess the plagiarism charge is accurate.

No confession needed! We are all fishermen (and fisherwomen) here. If we didn't take liberties with the facts, we would be, um, golfers I guess! :smile: Although I suspect golfers fudge the truth too...

Your story was extremely funny, and it really did brighten up my Christmas.

Peace on earth, good will to men!

12-27-2007, 12:33 AM
THAT HAS TO BE ONE OF THE FUNNIEST PASSAGES I HAVE EVER READ! Thanks for posting, I won't be buying a taser for my wife, she'd probably use it on me at some point!
Happy New Year!

12-30-2007, 02:05 AM
Oh heck ya those things hurt. I have been hit 3 times. I work in Law Enforcement and in order to carry and use it you have to take it. I got it once in the thigh, once on the arm, and a "take down" on the right chest. Oh that one hurt. I have also had the "ICE" shield and the "Nova" shield too. Oh that thing is horrible, it has lots of copper strips on it and it may get you on the shoulder and the calfs at the same time. Really a life changing experience! But glad you posted this, made me laugh and remember the apin both. Oh ya the burns it leaves are PC called "Signature marks" then they changed it to "friction abrasions" in our training didn't make tehm feel any better. Oh ya we also have a belt that is 75,000 volts for 8 secs right on the kidney. I haven't and will NEVER ride it I will quit first!